Letters to the Unknown

Last night, I didn't sleep very much. But it's a good 12 hours or so after I woke up for my day, and I realize that the thoughts of my dreams are still somehow lingering in my mind. Dreams are usually supposed to disappear after a good, say, half an hour or so once you wake up; but since I've started this project, is it any different that I recite my dreams to me?

Last night, before I went to bed, I spent the day writing letters. That's what I do whenever I'm upset, angry, sad, or just in the mood. I write usually to my brother, Allen, who is watching over me and my every move. In the letter, I mentioned that I have not "felt" his presence lately, his or my mother's. I asked if it were selfish of me to ask to see them again, and I guess my dreams answered that. But, did I just dream of them because my mindset was on them already, or was it an actual "sign?"

Although I can't recollect most of what happened in the dream, I do remember walking with my mother in a dark valley. She seemed to look a little upset. Allen, on the other hand, we were driving around and he seemed happy. What do I take from this? Is one person proud and the other isn't, or was timing just bad?

Cranked Up, Jacked Out

My head is spinning.

Here's an update, I met the family. Well, just his sisters but they like me, and I'm hoping that's a good sign for meeting the parents.

I've been so tired lately, working through what seems to be glue. My mind is alert, running on a constant "Things to Do" list but the motivation is what I'm lacking and needing oh so desperately. My sleep schedule is so messed up, and to think this is only part of what's killing me. I'm about to go to sleep, but they're starting again.

The parts of the day when I'm tired, but I'm not THAT tired. I start to hear people who aren't really there, and see things that aren't even possible. My lack of sleep is so terrifying sometimes, it's not making my health any better at all.

Falling Apart.

Lately, I've been tired; really tired. I start dreaming when I'm awake, like I was driving back to Huntsville today. My mind floats and while still focusing on the road, I start to wonder. I thought about my future today, while driving, you know, between the swerving around cars and dead animals in front of me.

As I was waiting for R to get home from work, I fell asleep on the couch. It's a fuzzy memory, but I dreamed about meeting his family, again. He went home after I saw him, and his family is still asking about me. I don't know how I feel about this. I know this isn't exactly a blog about a dream, but it's a rant that branches off of it.

The Dream:
We were driving, me and some friends, down to the beach. Somehow, we ended up on the Islands down South, nice beach, clean water; just relaxing. I jumped into the water and we swam all the way out to where I barely touched the floor, then the waves started pushing me farther away from my friends and I knew swimming against the current would be pointless, so I floated away. I started swimming across the current, which is what you're supposed to do! Well, I got onto the beach eventually and there were people around, and I realized that I was so far from where I was supposed to be. So, tired from my drift, I laid down and just relaxed in the sand. In the distance, I saw a girl staring at me, and calling her mother over. Then they were both pointing at me, whispering to each other, and another girl and a father came to them. Confused, I got up and looked at them awkwardly, and was about to make my way back to my friends when they approached me. The first girl, C, asked me; "Hey, aren't your R's girlfriend?" I was so confused as to who these people were, because I've never met them before. But in the back of my mind, I had a feeling that they were his family. It was, then I woke up confused.

Reality?
I'm so afraid of meeting the family. I'm shy, nervous, and am a very quiet, observant person. He is the same, in a way, but with his family it's different. I don't understand why I'm so nervous to meet them. Part of the reason why it was so hard for me to leave my ex was because I loved his family so much, and they accepted me. What if R's family doesn't like me? I'm not like them, no, I don't mean the race. I meant as in we grew up in two different worlds. I don't want to say that they're rich and snobby, because I haven't met them, and that's my boyfriend's family. He's such a perfect guy, and I don't want to be cheesy or anything on my blog. They live in such a high class kind of life-style; I don't know what that's like, I don't know how to act around them. I know, be myself, but what if being myself isn't good enough for them? I'm just scared, they'll hate me. I'm falling apart because of such a small thing.

Returning Dreams

It's happening again, and I don't know why.

I was good for a good while, for almost a whole year. I know what they are, and I'm not as afraid of them as I used to be. Things for me have been stressful lately, then again, why make these excuses for it. I'll record them as I remember them, I guess.

In my living room, I remember I was about to study with Ashley. Although we decided to take a small "eye-resting" period. I fell asleep, and nothing bad happened. This is where it began, my body went stiff, and I couldn't figure a way out of it until Ashley had to shake me awake. From my view, I saw her standing over me with a giant shadow behind her, and to her, she said I looked like my eyes were half open.

Just now, I fell asleep on the couch at my boyfriend's house. I locked our puppy in the bathroom, and I took a nap on the couch. I dreamed that he came home, and I had no idea. The lights were off, all but the bathroom where Bandit was. He was holding me, somehow got by me without waking me up. I looked up and asked,
"When did you get home?"
"A little while ago, did you pass out?"
"I have no idea what happened. I'm still so confused."
This was the scariest part yet, because he looked into my eyes, and he started turning into that shadow figure. His eyes were red and his voice deep.
"This could be that you're tired, or a seriously bad joke that the devil wants to start playing with you. Isn't that right Cathy?"
I tried to move, I felt it. My body locked up, my neck especially. He threw me up in the air and I was spinning as the shadow overlooked my body, just laughing maniacally. In the dream, I began to pray.
At this point I knew I was sleeping, and tried everything to wake myself up. My body jolted and I woke up right before my phone did.

Hard to Breathe

It's getting harder for me to see, what I really want in life, and where I want to be. Things are following me, or so that's how it seems. Darkness clouds over me like a shadow it's lurking in my mind, feeding off my deepest fears.

I keep having dreams, none of those hallucinations. They scare me, but not in the sense that a demon or some sort is haunting me. It's me, my own self, creating fear within my life. I know it's nothing but a dream, but I can't seem to shake it. Although I won't admit it to the entire public, I feel like I'm having internal, emotional, broken thoughts about my life. So where do I begin? With a recurring dream.

It's like a storybook, something new happens each time I fall into a deep slumber. I'm not with him, I'm with someone else. I'm happier with someone else, it's not him. In the dream we're happy. The world was different in the dream, I was accepted as who I was. Nobody hated my decision for being without him, because I was happy, smiling, and in love. Again, with someone else. We started as friends, then gradually moved onto being more than friends, and once we were public, the world seemed at peace.

So what now? Where do I even, begin?

Replay ...

So, you know how you're supposed to dream about what you think/talk about during the day? Well, these past few nights, it's kind of been happening. Most occurrences within my dreams have been like so. I think it's because I'm so focused on myself sleeping, because I'm still not quite used to the apartment, and there are annoying sprinklers outside that hit my window at 3-4 in the morning, EVERY MORNING! In particular, these past few weeks I've been thinking about my relationship, and how much I don't want to be a part of it. I look at the things we've shared before I packed and unpacked them, but I feel nothing. Emptiness, no emotion of loving, liking, or care of any way. I feel bad, because I try to fight these negative emotions away. I'm not trying to pull what he calls a "Dear John" but, it's hard. There's a major lack of communication; we're helpless.

The night before my birthday, his sister & our friends threw me a surprise party. Oddly, even though I knew it was impossible, as I reached for the closet door that I figured everyone was behind, I opened it and expected to see him. I didn't, of course, no surprise there. So I inched to the bathroom and found my friends, and still disappointed to not see him. Thoughts are rushing into my mind faster than the darkness can. In the dream last night, I saw that my friends coming down to Huntsville as they did a few days ago. Kidnapping me, and dragging me into a weird building. There he stood, home 3 weeks early. He hugged me as I back, reluctantly. The dream, he was so happy, but I wasn't. I think about it now, and think about the promise I made his sister make to me. I don't know how to deal with this in real life, but in the dream, he got down to one knee and asked me to marry him. I said yes, but I knew I was settling because I had no confidence of moving on. Unhappily, I took the engagement ring and lived the rest of my life with him.

Unfaithful.

Last night, the crew was here until about 3:30 in the morning. We stayed up karaoke-ing, watching scary movies, and just being with each other. Time is passing by quickly, lately, things have seems so unexpected, so quick, yet so slow. I'm about to leave, and about to make the biggest decision of my life; even though I already have. On Facebook, just about everyone has changed their "In A Relationship" status to either "Married" or "Engaged." Weird how people so young can make a decision like that, but if you're in love, what else can you come to believe? Too much has been happening, and last night, in my dream, showed a sense of what my thoughts are really trying to tell me.

We were at my house, it was built in a fashion that combined me and my cousin's house in Houston. We were all hanging out in my room, and then I went to the garage with Linh, Vincent, and Binh. We were sitting around in a circle, just talking because the weather was amazing. I was messing with my phone, and then I got a phone call. I picked up, it was him. I gave the phone to his sister, and I walked inside to get drink and there the OTHER he was. He swept me off my feet and kissed me. Reluctantly, I kissed back. And I just held the poor boy in happiness and awe. I got my glass of water and walked back out to the garage, and got the phone back. We talked, about a lot, and he said that he missed me, that he loved me, and that the ring would be on its way. I stepped away and told him over a phone call that I had been missing him, but the feeling was gone. I couldn't any longer stand to wait for him, and that I was sorry. That instead of wanting to, I forced myself to remind myself of what he and I used to be, and that I couldn't wait another month for him to come back. Couldn't bear the thought of him leaving over and over again, so this was it. I hung up, never told our friends, never told his family. Disappeared to college, oddly, I wasn't at SHSU, but at some school up North. A month later, I received a knock on my apartment door. Boy #2 opened the door, we were living together. Man in uniform stood there, rain pouring on him. I walked forward, he handed out something and put it in my hand, then walked away. I looked down, opened the tiny box, and broke down. It was his dogtags, wrapped around a ring.

The phone rang, I woke up. I hate dreams like this, I hate how real they feel, but ultimately, I hate how real they are. My dreams have been bugging me, when really instead of my deepest desires, it's my conscious talking to me.